I am currently in my last year of school and think it’s probably a good idea to decide what I’m going to do when I don’t have to do what I’ve had to do my entire life. I don’t know how I’ll feel when the monotony of school ends but I do know that I’m not necessarily going to rush into another safety net of knowing what I’m doing each day.
I have applied for university but throughout the process, my head got turned and span and sometimes disconnected by the endless talks and open days and alumni. My prior thoughts and plans got muddled and changed so that I rushed into a decision made by a culmination of different people’s ideas. I’m not sure if my mind changed (momentarily, it appears) or if I followed other people’s opinions too much and forgot about my own. I should probably have given myself more time to think.
Since I was about 15 and university talk began to enter my radar I’ve wanted to apply for either Drama School (which it turns out is way too expensive and quite impossible) or English Literature and Theatre or Film. However, I ended up applying for straight English, English and Creative writing and only one (actually unattainable) English and Theatre course (which has 6 places…). Sorry for all the brackets. Anyway, this lead to me having to write the most complicated personal statement on the planet, trying to incorporate all different combinations of courses.
I applied to creative writing because of one incredibly inspirational lecturer who convinced me of the life changing quality of her creative writing course. However I was turned down from two creative writing courses and subsequently lost two spaces for which I could have applied for something else. I know that I rushed into sending my application off because I was swept up with the process but, however hard it was to be knocked backwards, it also knocked me off the process of university applications. I had to consider other options in case I got no more offers.
This has turned out to be incredibly helpful despite it feeling like the end of the world at the time. I had to change my plans. I hate changing my plans. Plans are not there to be changed because I always need to think I know what I’m doing. However, this is the first time in my life that I’ve realised that maybe I’ve had a plan for the sake of having a plan. My fixed mindset has disallowed me to consider anything else. From this bad thing came something good. It has set the ball rolling again so that I’m making decisions based on what will make me happy rather than what I should do.
When I was 16, I had this similar time where I could go against the flow of what people surrounding me were doing or I could stay where I was and do A Levels. I considered moving schools so that I could do an A Level in performance but at the time I think it was too big a step and I wasn’t confident enough to start at a new school. I don’t regret it but ultimately I chose the easier and safer option. I know that having done A Levels in English Literature, English Language and Art, I am equipped for the English degree that I have applied to study, but at the same time, I was too scared to take a risk.
So at 18, I’m now at the same decision and although I have applied to university, I may defer my place and take a year out, a step away from the treadmill.
I don’t know if anybody will be reading my blog, but hi if you are. Thank you!