My second ever blog post was entitled University vs Gap Year (https://amylindharrison.wordpress.com/2016/01/04/university-vs-gap-year/). After re-reading it, I realised that although I was in a different situation, I am in the same thought process now as I was all those months ago. I have been swept up with going to university for the second time despite coming to the decision in January that I’ll defer. But, although I have made countless mistakes throughout the process, it’s not too late. It’s reassuring that there’s solid evidence for my taking a gap year and that, for some time now, I have wanted to do it. It isn’t a spur of the moment decision or a decision based on not getting the grades. In fact, I have made the decision before A Level results day and therefore the pressure should be off. But as ever, it isn’t and I am very nervous about tomorrow.
A lot has changed since I applied. I don’t want the same things and have the same priorities as I did before. I think there has always been a reason that I have used to persuade myself that I’d like to go to university this year. First it was that I had got into university, then it was that I got an unconditional which potentially couldn’t be deferred. There have been pressures that I have not always been strong enough to resist but, I am now being honest with myself and have only been able to do that by getting some space.
I am, for the first time, being given the freedom to decide what I want to do and, only a month ago, I didn’t actually know how to make a decision by myself. Now that I have some space I can concentrate on who I am and what is best for me rather than constantly comparing myself to others and doing things because I think that’s what I should do.
I hate feeling like a failure, as I’m sure everybody does and, at first, that is exactly how I felt; a failure, a drop out. But actually I’m excited about the year ahead more than I ever was about university. I have some huge fears but hope that they will resolve and allow me to keep moving forwards.
Whatever decisions are made tomorrow, I’m sure they’re all for a reason. Nobody knows exactly what’s going on in anybody’s life.
Good Luck with results day.